Welcome! I must say I am a cross between excited and a ball of nerves this very moment. It has now been a few years at least that I have wanted to write about my daily struggles as well as hear about yours and also let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It just has taken many years and different forms of treatment to reach the space I am in now. Good news is you are reading this, so we are off to a good start!
I am a single mother of four amazing kids. My two younger daughters live with me, along with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety from my early teens but wasn’t actually diagnosed until my mid 20’s. Oh, did I mention, dx includes a resistance to meds? The last decade I’ve suffered the worst and I promised myself and God that if I came out of this, out of bed and away from staring at the four corners of my room, I would share my stories, listen to yours and help as many as possible.
At this moment, I am grateful to be alive. And while I never liked sharing that I suffer from anxiety and depression, I am tired of keeping this big secret. Only we know what works for us, and these disorders I would not wish on my worst enemy. These are the disorders that unless you have lived with, you don’t have a clue of what it’s like to. Some of you may be told to just exercise or move around ? I couldn’t afford to lose another pound. I had no desire to eat. The depression and anxiety kept me in bed, mothering from my bedroom. The guilt and shame is huge, admitting that not only to myself but to the rest of the world. But it is MY truth and many others as well.
For years I have stayed clear of social media and have led a very isolated existence. Food was delivered, groceries, toiletries, clothes, etc. And last year when I thought I could not get any worse, my father fell ill unexpectedly, stage four lung cancer, and shortly before Christmas 2018 he passed.
It was then that I was ready to stop fighting and I just wanted to be with my dad. He was the only person, thing, voice, that brought me some type of comfort and happiness. I felt so guilt ridden that Dad left this Earth fighting up till his last breath. He wasn’t ready and was so full of life, he wanted more time with his family. And here I was, wasting my life away, laying in bed with no desire to keep fighting. All he had done for me, his grandchildren, how could I give up?
One more try I was ready to take and I was going to try harder than I ever had before. At this point, nothing of monetary value mattered. Nothing that I had acquired throughout my adult years mean a thing. My life and my family’s life did and I had to just try.
I may not be perfect, but I am here. I am here, whole and able to write and share my experiences with you. We are not crazy, evil, psychotic. We are humans suffering and even worse, many of us fight this battle alone. My children are happy. The seemingly simple things in life so many take for granted, I have gone without and sadly my kids have as well. My daughters have their mother back and it feels so good to be there for them.
I sold everything I owned, house, furniture, etc. I packed my truck with as much as I possibly could and I and my two daughters hit the road. I left New York and all the gloom and ended up on the other side of the country, sunny Arizona. My physician of 10 years was very supportive when I first ran the idea by him and he ultimately recommended the move. I would I could say his name and his assistants, It’s a rarity you find such caring people today and not just another file in the office.
I’ve hesitated for some time posting this entry. Seemed as though I had just wrote it and started feeling depressed again. But I’ve come to grips with my reality and no matter where I venture to, depression and anxiety will always be close by. To not post with complete transparency and directly from my heart would defeat my purpose. It would be a disservice to the rest of you fighting your battles whether in private or unapologetically! I recently was asked what kind of writer was I, and I’d like to consider myself a persuasive writer. I often become very emotional when writing new entries and the tears flow, but that’s ok. I’ve gone through decades of feeling I was not normal and no one could possibly understand. I’m not here to change the world’s misconceptions, I am here though to let those that do not understand, we are normal. Depression, anxiety and other forms of mental illness do not make us dangerous individuals. I felt the need to create a blog where others living a similar life find me relatable as I hope to find others in return. Why should we live in shame and isolation with the fight we put up daily. We are parenting, running households, getting out of bed to send kids off to school even when it feels as though are legs are about to give out. We’ve worked hard, pursued our education, worked full time in high level positions… all while harboring the pain that is invisible to others. I have a lot of work yo do, yet I have found my calling. Funny, as much pain I’ve lived in, the greatest satisfaction has come out of helping others. I will continue to provide content and value your feedback! I hope to eventually be able to start some online support groups, as well as an open discussion where we can ask each other questions , bounce ideas off one another. All who are familiar with me, if they come across the site I’m sure it will be a shock. As uncomfortable as it may feel, you always can contact me in confidence. I will make myself available in any way possible. I’ve lost many years, my childhood even.. my children have suffered, my parents have suffered.. this illness doesn’t just effect the individual. Don’t allow yourself to suffer anymore. I have more living to do.. I cannot continue to allow this illness to cripple me. Don’t allow it to continue to cripple you. You are of value and you have purpose. We are still here for a reason. Please know you’re not alone and I understand what you are going through. I’d never wish this illness on my worst enemy. But I HAVE no choice but to keep fighting. I refuse to give up and hurt my loved ones. We have to start somewhere and a different approach is needed. Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope you will remain close. Stay well!