After my last post I started to question my recent decision to blog. I began pondering over whether the content was too heavy and possibly depressing for my fellow depressives. Was the blog’s narrative a huge mistake when I’ve spent a lifetime hiding all of it from even those. closest to me. For the single mom who hasn’t been asked out on a date in forever, well, what’s going to happen now? If I wasn’t found compatible with over a million members after spending an hour taking eHarmony’s “entrance exam”, is a potential mate going to find me here?🤦🏻♀️
After about a weeks worth of overthinking I came to a conclusion…these aren’t questions you ask yourself afterwards!
I’m an emotional writer and my words come from the heart, so it’s nothing new that I am bawling my eyes out after just a few sentences. I’m not going to do that today. I’m even going to mention my Dad once again but I’m smiling as I write this. We had a lot going on in the family through the years, but also a lot of laughs. As my Dad always said, “this $#%t you just can’t make up, sometimes Aly, you just got to find the humor in things!”
So if you haven’t picked up on it yet, that’s today’s plan and hopefully every Friday going forward. Those who are “gifted” like myself wait and we pray the night before that we wake up feeling like this.
No, no.. oh goodness, I’m not going to take an infinite scroll down memory lane! You can take a deep breath Mom, I know you’re reading this by now!
I woke up this morning thinking life just is what it is. We ALL have our issues, problem and hardships. Mental Illness is no laughing natter, well I am ok with laughing at myself because my life is a never ending cluster ….. All the years spent indoors, isolating myself, proved to be no shield from the constant s&%t storm that follows me.
Not that I’ll necessarily feel this way tomorrow, but today, my life is what it is and I make the best of it. So what if I went from years without Facebook ( still don’t have it) or any other social media and then ended up blogging about my head space. Still can’t stand social media but I’m checking stats on Google Analytics every two hours..
I stopped worrying what others thought a long time ago and I also stopped worrying about what others were doing. You know, once I stopped, it was a load off my shoulders. You deal with enough in this lifetime and those that deal with it and then a little more, why add to the plate?
I know who I am and what I stand for, I know my heart is good and I genuinely care, often a little too much. I’ve got depression and daughters and I’m anxious and unsure if I have the ability to make it out here. And then I stop, take a deep breath, a few minutes just to watch my girls dance and sing with the biggest smiles on their face. Their happiness is priceless.
I look outside and don’t see my old block in NY gauged with potholes. I took a leap of faith or maybe just had no where else to leap to. Never thought this would be possible, but somehow I made it here. I see a pink sky as the suns setting behind the beautiful mountains in Tucson… and even if I feel this way just for today, it’s ok. I’ll take one day over no days, the simple feeling of being free.
I can’t end this post without thanking the woman that helped me get here, because I couldn’t have on my own. After suffering one’s greatest loss, she carries on with such beauty and grace, lightens our heavy hearts with one already full. Thank you Mom, this ones for you ❤️